How Optimus Found Out About Christmas
by Combined Transfans
Summary: From the makers of 'Past: What REALLY Happened! Christmas carols? Jetfire ran away? Powerlinking with Hot Shot? Optimus vs Santa! Its a crazy fic inside, our holiday gift to you!


**Disclaimer:** Hey! The-Crab here with your disclaimer. Maelstrom(1) nor I own Transformers. It's the same, crazy kinda fic like **Past: What REALLY Happened**, so that's the kinda stuff you should expect. Don't sue us, we're friendly guys! And Happy Holidays to all!

**We come in as  the brave, selfless Autobot commander, Optimus Prime, is monitoring Decepticon activity...**

Prime: *sitting on the couch, watching a Christmas episode of Fat Albert* 

*on the TV*

Fat Albert: Hey hey hey, whats goin' on, Rudy?

Rudy: man, Fat Albert, what are you doin' on this side o' the hood?

Fat Albert: you somethin', Rudy, you like schoo in summer time

Rudy: schoo in summer time?

Fat Albert: yeah, bitch, schoo in summer time open your f*beep*in' ears n' sh*beep* or I'll pop your bitch ass!

*in the Autobot base*

Prime: the hell is 'schoo'? And whats this 'Christmas' I've  been hearing about?

Red Alert: I do believe its a certain day in the human year in which they celebrate the birth of this 'Jesus Christ' 

character.

Prime: hmmm... *taps his chin* this Christ guy must've been really famous... I MUST know how he did it! *slams his fist into his other palm* I must know how he became famous so people will celebrate MY birth! Get Jetfire, tell him I need to put my pants on!

Red Alert: Jetfire assumed you would come up with a stupid and moronic plot, so he asked me to give you this *hands Prime a note*

Prime: *punches Red Alert in the face, takes the note and reads it*

Note: Dear Optimus, if you are reading this then that means I have left. Your stupid and moronic plots have pushed me over the edge, so I have ran away, and I'm never coming back. You suck. Love, Jetfire

Prime: *punches the note* damn you, Jetfire!

**Five minutes later...**

Prime: *has all of his soldiers lined up in a row* gentlemen, it has come to my attention that the traitor, Dinobot- *is kicked by Sparkplug* I mean Jetfire, has betrayed us. He no longer wishes to be my pants. *sniffs* its such a shame, really, he enjoyed it so much

Jetfire: *from several hundred miles away* HAH

Prime: anyways, the time has come for me to find a new replacement pair of pants, and one of you lucky soldiers will be them!

Hot Shot: *sighs* this is gonna be sooooo boring

Prime: *slaps Hot Shot and enters drill sergeant mode* DO YOU WISH TO BE MY PANTS, SOLDIER?!

Hot Shot: SIR NO SIR.... I  mean...SIR YES SIR

Prime: good, then you get to be tried on first

Scavenger: *snickers with Smokescreen*

Prime: *leaps in the air* Jet Optimus, transform! powerlink! combine! fusion-HA! Lego my Ego! *continues shouting off phrases while suspended in mid-air*......................... *still suspended in mid air*...umm....Hot Shot, powerlink!

Hot Shot: oh right, right, powerlink...uhh... Hot Shot, powerlink! *insert Energon Hot Shot (Demolishor with yellow shoulder pads) transforming into a pair of pants*

*the two combine, and 'Jet Optimus' has tiny legs*

Optimus: I am Jet Optimus! the most powerful transformer ever! With my new powers, I will- woah...WOAH! *falls over due to small legs* GODDAMIT HOT SHOT! *stands up and begins to kicks his legs. When that doesent work, he hits himself below the belt, causing him to keel over in pain*

Red Alert: umm... Optimus, how does this help us find out what 'Christmas' is?

Optimus: *now un-powerlinked with an Armada Hot Shot, who is holding his privates* well, can you do research on it?

Red Alert: no, the computer is conveniently dismantled for reasons I dont need to explia- *is punched by Optimus*

Prime: dammit! It looks like I'll have to....have to.... *optics narrow as the camera zooms in close to his optics* have the kids help

**2 hours later...**

Prime: *looks at the base, which has Christmas decorations all over it*...urge to kill...rising...

Red: I think its pretty- *is knocked out by Prime*

Prime: so *optic twitches* Rad...whats the *twitch* point of covering this tree with shiny accessories?

Rad: well, Optimus, the Christmas tree is the main decoration of this time of year. I dont really know why people do it, but its fun, and *Prime begins shaking uncontrollably* its just fun to look at with all the lights off, sipping on hot 

coco, and being with those you care about most

Prime: *still shaking*...GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! *grabs Grindor and crushes him in his fist, and throws him up against the wall*

**Five minutes later, at the Autobot camp of Holiday Cheer**

Prime: FOR PRIMUS' SAKE!!!! NOT killing them is like trying to lose against a Decepticon, its just impossible!

Alexis: say Optimus, have you ever sang any Christmas carols?

Prime:...Alexis, I'm going to try to make this as clear as I possibly can....NO

Alexis: well thats a shame, here's one of my favorite songs *sits down at a piano which was conveniently placed there, she starts playing Jingle Bells on it* c'mon Optimus, sing along!

Prime:...very well *sings to the tune* jingle bells, this is hell, you're all really gay. I dont deny, I will try, to let 

you live this holiday, hey!

Alexis: good job!

Prime:.....*optic twitches* dear Primus, how can things get any worse

Carlos: *walks in with a Santa hat on* hola! I have made me favorite dish, Christmas tacos!

Prime:...... GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! *grabs Sureshock and crushes him in his fist, and throws him against the wall*

**Two hours later, at Santa's Death Fortress**

Rad: now its time for the Christmas specials

Prime: FINALLY! *plops down on the couch*

Kids: *sit down around Optimus, and turn on Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown*

Prime:....the hell is this? I wanna see Three's Company!

Rad: they turned off all the other normal TV shows and are showing nothing but Christmas specials like this, isnt it awesome?

Prime:....... GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! *grabs High Wire, crushes him in his hand, and throws him into the growing pile of crushed Minicons by the wall, who have occasional sparks and twitches*

Rad: oh! I cant wait for Santa Clause to bring us presents!

Prime: Satan who?

Rad: Santa Clause, he brings presents to everyone who's good!

Prime: *mutters* then I should get a limitless amount of presents, with the amount of killing you I've done

Rad: what was that Optimus?

Prime: oh, uh nothing... hehe, I must meet this Satan Gnaws and get my presents...maybe he can tell me how Jesus Christ became so popular... *cackles*

**That night, at the romantic getaway at Aspen**

Optimus: *sitting on the couch, blaster in hand, waiting for Santa to come down the fireplace*...since when did we have a piano, fireplace, and other non-Cybertronian things in here?

Santa: *comes down the fireplace*

Prime: excellent...right on time

Red Alert: *sitting next to Prime* how could he be right on time, you dont know when he'll sho- *is knocked out by Prime*

Santa: *pulls his bag of gifts through the chimney*

Prime: greetings, Gnaws...I've been expecting you *shines his gun*

Santa: who's 'Gnaws'? ho ho ho

Prime:....you callin' me a ho?!

Santa: no, Optimus Prime, thats how I laugh, ho ho ho

Prime:...you know who I am?

Santa: of course I do, and you've been very naughty, killing the same kids over and over again, shame on you! ho ho ho

Prime: its not my fault! their stupidity warped my mind!

Santa:...hmm....you have a point, ho ho ho... but i cant undo it, for i used permanent ink on the list, so you must be 

punished! ho ho ho

Prime: not on my watch, you red-dressed fizzle! *fires on Santa*

Santa: *Matrix dodges* you cannot beat Santa Clause! ho ho ho *Matrix kicks Prime in the chin*

Prime: *stumbles back* ack, when did this go Matrix?! *fires on Santa again*

Santa: *dodges the blasts again, and pulls out a rocket launcher from the bag* you have been very naughty, ho ho ho! *fires on Prime*

Prime: crap wizzle! *dodges the rocket just in time for it to hit a sleep walking Rad*.... good shot, Santa

Santa: I try, ho ho ho

Prime: *looks at everything, which is all on fire*...now THIS is pretty *sits down on a flaming couch, with Red Alert still knocked out on the ground, and turns on the TV to find Three's Company on*

Santa: ooh, Three's Company, ho ho ho *sits next to Prime on the couch while the base burns down*

**The next day, Christmas morning**

Jetfire: *comes back with three sexy, naked ladies hanging off of him, and sunglasses on* hey Prime, whats goin' on? just thought I'd drop by and check on- *is grabbed by Prime*

Prime: Jetifre....pants.....now! *shoves Jetfire back and leaps into the air* Jet Optimus, transform! powerlink! combine! fusion-HA! Lego my Ego!

Jetfire:...now how the hell did I know that was gonna happen. He could at least get the name right and call us Jet Convoy *sighs* call me, girls *drops them and changes into Prime's pants*

Prime: Ahhh, a snug fit

Jetfire: *shudders heavily*

**Meanwhile, at the Dangerous, Damp, Death Defying Decepticon Base**

Megatron: *sitting by the tree* and here's your gift, Tidal Wave

Tidal Wave: *rips off the wrapping* YAY! Barbie's Dream House! Thank you Megatron!

Cyclonus: here, Demolishor, Merry Christmas *hands him a box*

Demolishor: *opens it up to find a Demolishor costume* wow! Thanks Cyclonus! I've always wanted one!

Starscream: *hands Wheeljack a frost-covered box* Merry Christmas

Wheeljack: ....this ain't how I remember Christmas... *opens it up* ICE CREAM!

**THE END**


End file.
